Toronto. 2018
I decided to write this down not for anyone but myself.
This have been in between my secrets, nightmares and past, but I need to let it out before it causes depression again or major damage in my body.
Back in t 2017 I moved to Toronto by myself. Newcomer to the country, and new single baby gay, to a big city, ready to eat it and be free after a 6 years love relationship which end up drastically and with lots to heal.
At this point, I was 350 lbs = 175 kilos overweight and my accent was pretty thick.
Finding a place for myself was easy, fully furnished and great location, my roommate and landlord was the best person I could had in that moment, she was pretty helpful in so many ways, not just as a companion and as a friend, but as a person who support my self-discovery and my baby steps into drag, using heels and been queer and free for the first time at 27 years old.
I got plenty job opportunities, where I found out good friends and other not so good friends.
During Pride Month, it was my first Pride in a big city, so I joint the volunteer program, that way I can meet more people and make new friends. While I was volunteering I meet this guy, who, for legal reasons we gonna name him Jay. Jay was someone pretty known in the community, he was stereotypical twink with pretentious vibes and extremely friendly. We chat a lot and he open up to me pretty quick, the same way I did to him.
Between the stories he told me, there was a story about him running away from Mc Arthurs van, being a sugar baby for a News TV Show program, been the ex-bf of the weather channel man, how he cut off all the shoes of his former roommate (the travel agent), how he was in love with his former roommate because he was into gainers and bigger super chub guys; and also getting locked in against his will, by his exporter, in his ex-boyfriend apartment (the guy who owns a Crossfit Gym) in the Village. All very dramatic, but valid stories which I tried to be comprehensible with him.
I tried to keep myself away from him at the beginning of our friendship, because I want to work, be productive, meet new guys and got lots of messages from friends and strangers telling me to stay away from him cause he was drama in capital letters. Even someone told me he was a smoking bad things and I should stay away from him. I totally ignored all of the messages, I ignored my friends advices and even the stranger message, cause I wanna have friends and feel like I was part of the community in this new city.
We became closer, and one of the issues I was dealing with on those years was my self image, my body, my weight loss journey and how I want to dance again as when I did when I was 19.
He offered me to help me but he said: if I help you, you gonna hate me and we gonna fight a lot. I ignored that too and keep it going. With that said, we start going to the gym every single day, and we end up seeing each other 2 or 3 times a day. We became that couple who goes everywhere together, to the point that a drag queen ask us in the middle of the show if we were together and fucking already. I kinda want to fuck him but he didn't, not sure if was because he was too shy, or because he had a boyfriend.
It took me months to meet this fake boyfriend he was always talking about but he never showed up. He told me he always will meet his boyfriend in an Hotel Room, so I figured out it was not a boyfriend, but a sugar daddy. So I called him out: "hey that's not a boyfriend, that's your sugar daddy hookup...". He didn't like that, so he realized he was being used and tried to bring him to his life, so I finally got to meet him, in another hotel room, during halloween week. The same day I got my new apartment keys and he helped me move in with Nic and his girl friend.
Halloween weekend, I got my keys to my new place. I rent a van so I could move, he help moving. Forever grateful. When we walked in, I a mattress and a couch. so the first night, Nic, his girl friend and Jay stay over to celebrate my new place. Jay and I slept in the mattress, Nic and his friend in the couch. While I was sleeping I hug him and he didn’t like it so I turned around. That was the closest touch I had with him. Nic was less than 2 meters away from us, didn’t even gasp or make a big complain about it.
So, Halloween night we plan a cool costume party, just before going out. That day I was introduce to his boyfriend. When I met his boyfriend, result that he had a family, he was not totally out of the closet, and he was a cop. A Sunshine List member with years and years of career in the Police Service. With this situations, I decided to step back, but Jay noticed it and he asked me why I was been so distant. I faced him and he got hurt and make a big deal about it, so I keep myself close to him again.
I remember that day pretty strong because I found myself following him everywhere and doing things I didn't want to do, just to please him, like I was his slave.
The next week I lost some significant weight and I was very happy about it, but Jay was not happy, cause he will get mad and treat me terribly horrible if I wanna do something different or by myself without him.
I remember one night, I was driving Uber and he will call me, ask me to stop working, go pick him up to his place and go buy some boxes he need to organize his apartment. I went so I don't have to deal with his attitude or drama. In the same weekend, I found him snapping his fingers to me, and that was my wake up call and I said: "Dont you ever snap your fingers again to me, Im not your slave and I won't tolerate that...".
As time pass by, my drag career was going pretty well, getting booked here and there. I did some competitions with great exposure and growth in my drag experience. He always said to me that I got booked because of him, which to some extend I agreed and accepted as a latino newcomer to this country, where white privilege is a noticeable thing and he obviously know how to use it.
One night I went off, cause we went to the club together and he disappeared, which was fine if he let me know. He didn’t and just replied 1 hour later: I’m home. I realized the friendship was not healthy and need to cut off. He apologized but I start trying to get busy with work and find other things to do by myself.
Every time I was going on a date with someone else, he would ask me everything about it and even get jealous if was someone interesting. He would say things like: oh he would never put an eye on you, or you could never make a guy on that level be interested in you. Other type of toxic friendships cutting me off from media interviews, big gigs he would cut me off and keep me small, and the worse was that I let him, I had such a low self esteem and I felt so little I couldn’t do anything without him; almost like an Stockholm syndrome.
One day I burst into tears, well, one of many days. I was totally depressed post breakup, surviving in a big city with 3 jobs trying to make a living and pay off breakup debt. And then I have to deal with his mistreating me, him yelling at me and getting drunk and crying cause the cop was cheating on him with everyone in the village. Sounds familiar? It’s something pretty common in a gay village.
So, one night he was totally drunk and text me: “come and kiss me”. I went, and look at him and said: so what’s this?. He totally denied it.
I left.
The next morning, sober, I sat with him and talk about it, cause messages like that make me get feelings mixed and he clarified he can not be in a relationship with anyone else cause he is already in one with the cop.
I said: ok, but then I need to step back because you are hurting me and my feelings are getting in the game. He understood and started letting me alone.
Two weeks later, another friend in common asked me about him, and I said the truth. MY BAD, I KNOW.
“I was catching feelings and we have to breakup…”
It got to his ears, obviously. He was mad. He was really angry mad. He text me and said: “Dont you ever say a word about me to anyone else. Dont talk about me nothing or I will destroy you.” To what I just replied: “Ok, you too.”
Me again, being stupid: “I just wanna fix things and let this under the bridge…”
Him: “I need to you stop texting me or I will call this harassment.”
Me: “Ok, bye.”
He blocked me and we erase each other on social media.
All was done, well at least I thought it was, until he got drunk one day (I wanna think he got drunk…) It was like 2AM and he post on facebook saying the worse things about me, how I manipulated him, how I was this awful, how I apparently touched him and projecting all the stories from his exes into me.
I woke up to messages from “friends” saying WTF is this post about? You need to say something cause people are believing him.
I felt assaulted. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I erase facebook app from my phone. Grab an Uber and check in to CAMH by myself. I had terrible thoughts about hurting myself and I couldn’t be home anymore.
The doctors asked me to erase the facebook account and do not engage to anyone. I follow their instructions.
Socially, that was the worse I could do, cause I was giving them another reason to believe it was true. I couldn’t reply cause I was literally in a room for 72 hours under observation. They test me everything and I talk with about 4-5 doctors.
I got released from the hospital to messages from the Bar Owners cancelling all my gigs, my big events where coming up and my own parties I was putting together.
I was an UberDriver full time, so I never got fired or had any issues with work.
I open my account again after a few days, to find out some hate messages. Not surprised. Just two people asked me about my integrity and my health: Dani and Molly.
I want to reply, I want to do something, make music or even just write. I wrote a lot of poetry. I couldn’t reply publicly cause, based on 4 therapist I explained my situation, they said: “let him talk alone, you know you didn’t do those things… if you keep replying you gonna feed more his anger and make him make bolder worse actions that could cause you physical harm…”
And you know, they were so right. I start focusing on my life, my work, my health. At this point I realized I was a Permanent Resident and I dont wanna make the beast be angrier to a point he could involve his boyfriend cop, and get me in trouble that could affect my residency. If I need to leave the country, I dont know where I was gonna be able to go to.
Months later, I got a message from a stranger on Facebook, with a screenshot of what he was keep posting about me, saying horrible things. I ask a friend and he said yes, he post it and 2 hours later he erased it.
I change my jobs, change my social circle, and I meet Abi. We started dating and then, after a few months of knowing each other, he told me Jay was his EX. OF COURSE FFS!!!
We didn’t last much cause he didn’t want to be in a relationship. We are still good friends up to today, but apparently he didn’t like the idea and send more posts about me.
I took back again my drag and start performing again, different bar. He didn’t like that. I was with a friend, and when I was performing Jay approach my friend and told him horrible things about me, to the point my friend walked me home and said he was not staying over and he needs to rethink our friendship. I told him: people talk shit about me and if you wanna be with me, you gonna have thick skin, or just go. I can’t be babysitting you. You can trust me or trust strangers out there. Up to you if you wanna stay or not, but this is your opportunity to think it and decide if you really wanna go. He left. I stop talking with him.
The witch hunt was getting intense again. I was working as a server in a small pub. They found out, email the restaurant from fake emails saying horrible things about me, to the point they end my contract just before passing the probation time.
I went to the Police. Oh Toronto Police Department, how much I dislike you. Your corruption system, your friendly, white circle, just not helpful for those who need. So I approached a latino cop and explain the situation. He told me, the system is not as clear as you need it to be, and there is nothing I can do for you because that is on the next level over my position. The only thing I could recommend you is to stay away and quiet for a few years so they forget about it.
And I keep following the rules. I didn’t mess anything up, didn’t even go out to bars or clubs to avoid drinking and seeing him messy drunk. I remember one night I went with Abi to the bar, he was so wasted he didn’t recognize me and was crying cause his BF was cheating on him. I told Abi, Im going to the Washroom. I went back and Abi took my hand and we left to another bar.
At this point he was not my only issue. Some Queens already got the gossip and were mean to me, not surprise. I went to this bar where I used to work in a weekly basis, and she said: “How dare you to come here and talk to my friends? You should be ashamed of what you have done…”
I just lose it: “You are working, be professional, BE PRO-FE-SSIO-NAL. FIX THAT WIG. FIX THAT MUG. MAKE PEOPLE HAVE A GOOD TIME. PRO-FE-SSIO-NAL!!!!!”.
The bar manager asked me to leave.
Me: “But she is harassing me, she started.”
Bar Manager: “Yes, but she is working and by law I have to ask you to leave or I have to call the cops.”
Me: “Ok, lets go.” Turn around and my friend Alex was holding my jacket ready to go.
The next week I had a competition in another bar. A Drag Competition, which was the semifinals. I went out and did my gig. I pass to the Finals. On my way home, I got a message on Grindr from an empty account: “If I see you out at the bars again, Im gonna make sure your pretty face is destroyed so people would never see you as attractive as they do.”
Screenshot. Save. Post it on Facebook: “And this is a wrap. Im done with Toronto Drag. Wishing y’all the best, and if you have two cents of common sense, and something happens to me, you know who is the responsable.”
I didn’t show to the Final competition. I just left drag on the closet, and focus on making money, paying off debt and working as much as I could.
I love performing Arts, so I choose to move towards other types of Art. My good judie Dan was getting bigger in Burlesque. We start hanging out and became really good friends. He tough me a lot, and took me to lots of events in the burlesque community. Helped me learned more about Montreal and Vancouver Burlesque Scene, which are very organized and have lots of experience with Harassment and Inverse Harassment cases, legal and mental health support.
My case was described by my therapist and the Burlesque Expert as: inverse harassment case, where there are fake accusations and mixed with racism issues and corruption just played wrong on my end. I could not say a word cause I was a Permanent Resident and could not get a Police Report against me, cause that would affect my Citizenship. The Police Department has a lot of corruption and white privilege in their systems. In top of that, all the people who believed what he said were white folks who had an issue in the past and just project their unsolved and unhealed past experiences into the newest thing they found online. In top of the fat phobia that exists in the Gay Community to assume the Chubby guy is the one who is sick or ill.
The Burlesque community helped me a lot to heal myself, to trust again on me, to see my body as beautiful as it is, to trust on my talent and to be able to keep with my life in a healthier way.
In the middle of this storm, my dad reappears in my life. After years of non talking to him due to the danger he represent in my life, he called me asking to talk to me and to apologize. Wait what?
Yeah, my dad, in 2014 tried to kidnap me to conversion clinic and threathened to death to my family and partner. I cut him off from communication and left Ecuador to restart a new life. He started calling me on a daily basis and I just didn’t reply cause I dont wanna hear from him.
One day went to therapy, and after crying for 60 minutes, went home to sleep. Woke up to the realization: OMG, is a pattern!
My ex-bf back stabbed me, and I left the city.
My dad tried to kidnap me, and I left the city.
Jay is back stabbing me, and Im thinking of leaving the city.
Jay was the repeating pattern of a toxic emotionally depending relationship with a masculine figure in my life, and that’s why it was hard for me to let go from day one. He probably has his own issues, and that’s why he couldn’t let me go either.
Ok, so to heal myself I need to go and face my past, face my dad, face my ex and solve any pending issues so I can learn from it, make a closure and cut off the pattern.
I replied to my dad call. We cried for 4 hours on the phone, I told him everything that happened, with the CAMH situation included, being homeless leaving in a friends closet, suicidal thoughts and all the drama. He was just there listening to me, and apologized many times he could, asking me if I was gonna be ok.
The reason why he called me was because there was a documentary in Ecuador about the Conversion Clinics, and the stats show that 2 of each 5 people who was intern in those clinics survived the clinic. And 1 of those two will commit suicide after 3 years of getting out of the clinic.
In my case, I would say Drag saved me, cause it took me out of my head when I need to be someone else, and be as gay as I can, and be celebrated and paid to be gayer, and THAT is why I am thankful and I do what I do.
With that call, my dad offered me an air ticket to come back and visit for the holidays. After talking with my therapist, he was not happy about me going back because he thought I was in danger, and my dad will kidnap me or I would be in risk. I took the trust on my gut and see the bigger picture and I needed to go back so I can heal that situation and move on with my life. Also I miss my country, food and friends, and I could do some drag down there and avoid the drama in the city.
I went to Ecuador, stayed for 4 months, performed and did my own events. My brother and my niece saw my show and really enjoyed it. My friends saw another side of me, this new side that was build from ashes of shame and guilt. I was not the most polished, but I put a good show every single time.
To close my visit to Ecuador, I took an Ayahuasca Retreat. In the retreat I experienced my life from the now to the moment I was created, and came back to this moment with another perspective. It was a great experience and I could not recommend more to everyone to do it at least once in their lives, with professional help obviously.
After 4 months in Ecuador, I came back, back to face my dear white Toronto. Literally, I got to my apartment, shower, got my bags and was walking to the grocery store and the first one to see in the Street: JAY. Of couurseeee… I was not ready to say even hi, I just walk by and Im pretty sure he didn’t even recognized me.
In this months, I decided to rent out my car on Turo. One of the clients destroyed totaled it, and I have to go to court for this. Was not a big deal but lots of paperwork, lawyers, insurance lawyers and Toronto Police Department to deal with. This is when I learned and confirmed how bad the system is. Sitting in court, I just saw 90% of the accused drivers where POC. Is not a lie, or exaggeration. The trials are public, go yourself, sit for an hour and see how this POC people are just accused and how only the white lawyers make them get free or released from this horrible situations. Those days in court, I learned a lot more about the real Canadian Culture, and the Canadian Dream.
Listen, for me, my dream is to be a performer, a singer, show business. As a Latin Performer, my crowd was very small and limited, and even more after Jay’s Shit show. But this is what I got on my plate right now, so I have to work with it.
Got my life back, and getting some courses to start myself back again. Talk to my ex, he was not in the best place to talk but I left the ball on his court, meaning, I said what I have to say to release this situation from my chest. This energy was out and I was happier and healing faster than ever.
Well, time to plan ahead, cause I want to keep performing and I want my life to get better. I could move to another part of the city and start my life again. This other bars where he does not go, they want to hire me again. Just this white gay village doesn’t want to hire me, well, just this only bar who is white owned… Im good.
Then, one cold day of January, my ex appears. My ex for 7 years, I moved to Canada with. He sat on the coffeeshop I go weekly and ask me to forgive him. He apologized for treating my drag as one of the reasons for our breakup. He recognized his machismo on the past and he want to heal from that. We both cried, and he told me he want to date this cute boy but he felt trapped with the past and he want to make a healthy closure. I forgive him and congratulate him for moving on with someone else. I briefly explained him about the Jay Shit Show, and he was surprised but not surprised cause is drag gay drama and show business. Also explain him about the car situation, he gagged but was happy of how I was handling things so well. We made a small closure there. I saw on his tears how he really loved me in the past, and trust me, I also loved him, but we were so different and we had so many things to heal from the past, the best way was to stay separate and each could follow our dreams separately with our different personalities following places where we wanna live and be happy.
So, at this point, Im ready to start buying some performing stuff, get some dance lessons, burlesque lessons and become my best version. And 3 months later, the First Lockdown happens.
Ok, this is a life changing situation. Should I reach out Jay to close that chapter? Na, let him alone. Also, haven’t even pass 2 years from this drama, you need legally 2 years to be away so it’s not considered harassment, (at least that’s what Google said in the moment).
I survived the pandemic. Courses online, cooking, selling Tupperware online, eating healthy, finish my Reiki Courses, set up my travel business so when things open up again it was gonna be popping, and dancing and makeup practice. Lots of time to grow and learn.
My parents changed a lot, for good. Became more patient and more understandable about sexuality and queer culture. I learned to be alone for the first time ever. No roomies, no boyfriend or family to live with. All alone, which was my best lesson from the pandemic.
Summer 2020 was passing by, and I was enjoying as much as I could my solo season. Going on trips by myself to the forest, to camping places, to lakes and touristic destinations, learning about Canadian Culture besides Toronto and visiting other cities that were more affordable to live than the 6ix.
End up doing a self spiritual retreat to Mont Tremblant. Beautiful location. Found a shared bedroom price, and no one want to share cause of the pandemic, it was great. I got a job offer to come to Quebec and Montreal.
Came back to Toronto for the best day in my Canadian Life. My Citizenship Ceremony, via Zoom. I felt realized, so happy and thankful, I even made a music video singing Home (check it on my IG) and was so pretty and life changing experience.
Start closing my apartment in Toronto, selling everything I could so I could move to Montreal, but then the travel bug and my old self promises came back to me. I moved to Canada on the first time to live in Vancouver. There was something magical about that city. So I decided to buy a ticket and go to Vancouver for a 10 days, see the city and what is cool about it.
My flight was landing, and my phone changed the song I barely listen to. I see one window on the side, the mountains with Snow, so pretty. The other side, the sunset in the ocean. Wait, what, this is beautiful. The headphones: “Im coming hoooome, Im coming hooooomee…”
Coming Home - Darude
Days gone by but my heart still beats for yesterday.
We been night the fear of the light there's so far
Open ur door
Sent out the floor
This is the end
Im walking the light
I see the sun
This is the end
Im coming home
Im coming home
The wheels keep on turning round and round
And here stopping night and night
Im coming home, home, home, me me me me
I burst into tears, while we were landing. The girl next to me, grab my hand and said: “are you ok?”
“Yes, Im really ok.”
She said: “No matter what you are going thru, you are meant to be doing this, you got this.”
I cried more, happy tears.
After 10 days, I went back to Toronto just to pack everything and move to Vancouver.
——
Months later, I was living all set in Vancouver Area, but I didn’t change my address in Toronto cause wasn’t sure if I was gonna stay long in Vancouver. So I started dating this cute boy from Calgary. Things were going well and I realized I still have some luggage from Jay Shit Show, so I decided to text him to make a closure.
It was already 2 years after the drama, and I need to set him free, so I just sent a message on Facebook Chat:
“Hi there!
I want to reach out because I feel there were somethings I never had the chance to say, reply or bring up to the table.
It's sad how things turn out at the end of the day between us. I already apologized enough times in the past, forgive and moved on. Also, I just want you to know I remember all the good times, jokes, promises and trustful moments we shared together as a healing and growing process in life.
The promises I did: I still love, follow and stick to them. Thank you for all the lessons.
I want to be clear because I just want the best for both of us. I don't hold any grudges and I move on in peace with myself and with you. I hope you can do the same, so we don't have to deal with this again in the future or even better, in another life. I respect and am thankful for all what we did together because that made us a bigger and better people, as we are today.
Wishing you all the best. Hope you stay healthy, supportive and happy as usual.
Daniel - Mochila”
To what he replied:
“You are disgusting. I told you to dont text me ever again. Leave me alone.”
And that was it.
The next day I wake up to phonecalls and voice messages from my buzzer in Toronto, where the Cop is fighting with Jay on the Phone saying that he can not reach out to me and he could not do anything else.
I didn’t give it enough attention and I felt like it was a closure.
Two days later, I got a phonemail from the Vancouver Police Department asking me to confirm if this was my phone number and asking for my address. I never replied.
I ask my therapist what to do, and he said: he is gonna keep coming for you for years, so just let him be and you do you. The biggest stars, know their biggest haters cause they were too close at some point in the past. You gonna be alright. Move on and you feel free you released him, you becoming greater and better.
——
Years passed, and I was in a bar in PV. A Dragqueen who’s a friend from Toronto scene came to me when she was drunk and said: “I love you so much. You are the best example of persistency and hard work. Look at you, now you live in PV, are fully booked everywhere. You gonna go far. That loser of Jay tried to cancelled you, but he just cancelled himself, because he has no friends, no one wants to be his friend because of how bad he talks about you. I love you and Im excited what is next on your journey….”
And so I am, excited about my journey, with some fear of what’s coming up next, but happy and relief this is part of the past and only those who really care and want to know me better, will understand my situation and experience, before jumping into conclusions without knowing both sides of the stories.
